Cycle of Overwhelm: Parenting Neurodivergent Children

I used to hate going out in public. Planning a day out included me game planning different ways to manage my son’s unique needs. Having a child with sensory sensitivities and heightened emotional responses could turn a simple trip to Hobby Lobby into a made-for-TV spectacle: Bravo’s NEW Real Moms of Texas, Neurodivergent Edition. A simple trip to the grocery store would end up with a non-simple me sprinting, sweaty, red, and foodless while football carrying my screaming and flailing toddler. Workout for the day, COMPLETED.

The meltdowns, though difficult, were not the worst part. It was the feelings of judgement. The staring eyes of those who wondered why I couldn’t get my kid under control. I could hear their judgements:

“Must be too much screen time.”

“That kid is out of control.”

“That mom needs to have boundaries.”

“They must not discipline.”

“Can’t she do something about his behavior?”

It was hard enough to try and survive his meltdowns, but the judgement I could feel around us was even harder. Even when I was met with kindness, the kindness often made it worse. Strangers would try to make sounds, or verbally console, or even try to touch him in an attempt to comfort. Anyone with a neurodivergent child knows that this only makes it worse. And I could never find a polite way to say, “Can you leave us alone? You are making it worse.” Even when I told this to those I cared about, the moment his screams and tears started, it is like amnesia took over and they forgot that their comfort was not comfort, it was triggering.

While my friends were doing library time, zoo dates, and pumpkin patches…I was doing speech and occupational therapy. Getting together for playdates was often me managing my anxious symptoms as I prepared for my son’s inevitable throwing something at another kid, pushing another kid, or meltdown. I was often met with well meaning suggestions like decreasing sugar, taking away tablets, and firm boundaries. Eventually I just stopped educating people on how he doesn’t process things the same. At the time, I thought my only solution was to pull away.

I had no idea how isolating being a mom of a neurodivergent child was.

I was exhausted, drowning, and desperate; playing detective, researching, cutting out dairy and gluten and sugar and looking up parasite cleanses. My other child was being neglected because my younger child was requiring all my attention. And my once glowing personality, social and creative, started to diminish as I became a shell of who I once was. Known to be extremely extroverted, I turned into someone who preferred the safety of home. My smile became forced. My personality changed.

My experience with my son’s neurodiversity was traumatizing.

All experiences of parenting neurodivergence is unique. None look the same. BUT one part remains true for all of us parents, we did not think parenthood would look like this. We love our children, but it is hard to know those parenting strategies that others use, do not translate the same for us. Our parenting takes more preparation, education, and thought.

Later on, when we learned how to navigate his needs, my daughter started to show her own neurospicy ways. It was challenging, but in a different way. The messiness, forgetfulness, losing stuff, getting off track, constant nagging and meltdowns. Where my son at times was survival, my daughter was a trigger of overwhelm. I would wake up and plan a day where I would be a great mom, and end up with regrets of my overwhelm causing me to explode. It was an endless cycle.

The thing is, I am educated on all this mental health stuff. I have a masters in clinical mental health, extensive advanced trainings, countless hours of reading and research, plus I work with parents as clients…how was I failing in my own home with my own family? I knew all the attachment interventions and coping skills and understood my children’s brains and their needs. Yet, I was stuck in a cycle of overwhelm.

Where there is an overwhelmed mom, there exists a mountain built of guilt, shame, and a litany of “shoulds.”

The truth is, my cycle of overwhelm only stopped when I FINALLY took the time to process the micro-traumas associated with having neurodivergent children. Micro-traumas are small seemingly meaningless experiences that cause harm over time. Leaning into the difficult negative beliefs I had with my overwhelm, feelings of inadequacy and failure allowed me to identify and process the micro-traumas of neurodivergent parenting. The end result was a decrease in triggers which allowed me to feel more present and in control. I also found out that I needed to mourn what I thought parenting would be. I had to mourn the loss of my son’s baby and toddler years due to the stress of his needs. My story, my kids’ stories, and my family’s story is why I am passionate to bring healing to other parents.

I wrote this blog because I know there are a lot of parents out there who are stuck in the same cycle I was. I want parents to know that they can break free of the cycle of overwhelm. Thankfully, because of the field I work in, there are a lot of opportunities for me to learn about different healing strategies for my own freedom from overwhelm. But, I am writing this blog for those who don’t have access to the same resources as I do as a mental health worker. Maybe in my story you can feel seen and validated in your feelings. Maybe you will realize you are not alone in your negative thoughts. And maybe, you might find your own path of treatment to break the cycle.

A therapist can help you on this path towards freedom from the cycle. I am an EMDR therapist, so obviously I believe in the healing power of EMDR…or I wouldn’t continue to do it. The things I have seen in session are incredible. The research is incredible. EMDR would be a good treatment option to break free of the cycle, and if it is something you would like to explore, I would enjoy consulting with you to see if it is a good fit for your own story and needs.

I have a group on Monday, Oct 6th 12-2pm where you can do EMDR reprocessing of the micro-traumas associated with parenting neurodivergent children. CLICK HERE if you would like more information on the group. Signups close THIS Friday.

Even if this is not a route you are wanting to take at this moment, I hope this blog helped you not feel so alone. I hope it normalized some of your own experiences and struggles. Remember, you are not alone, and healing is possible!